Overcoming Self-Doubt
It took me a while to admit to myself that I wanted to be a writer. That is to say, in a professional sense.
The first step was realizing that I really enjoyed writing. I started my first book over five years ago, and I didn't begin with publishing in mind. I was just having fun, and trying to watch less television. I certainly wouldn't have called myself a writer. Even when I finally finished the "zero draft" of my manuscript this past November, and the thought that maybe this could actually - one day, with a concerted effort at editing - be worthy of print, even then, I wouldn't have admitted it out loud.
When I continued to work on my story beyond the November 30 deadline for NaNoWriMo, my husband finally asked me about it. Did I plan on ever letting anyone read it?
Sure, I said, turning my open laptop away from him. Someday.
Even the thought of my beloved reading what I'd written scared me.
After plenty of self reflection, I got over myself. I acknowledged (internally) that I was proud of what I'd written, and that I wanted to see it one day featured on instagram in someone's #tbrpile.
I started doing a bit of research into the process of getting published. I learned a great deal about how little I know, but it was a start, and from that research I came up with a game plan. Still, I was pretty secretive about it. I told very few people that I was writing at all. I opened an instagram account separate from my personal account and did not follow anyone I knew. I was nervous to out myself until I was already convinced of my success.
I suppose my greatest fear was that people would think I would that I was being silly. Or that I was a hack. And probably plenty of people do think those things. Or worse.
But what I ultimately realized was that, as cliché as it sounds, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I'm enjoying myself. Finding time for this in the midst of the chaos of motherhood is giving me life. Writing is centering me after a year that involved two interstate moves, the birth of a second baby, and my husband starting a new business. Writing is making me a better mom and a better wife because I'm making time to take care of my own soul.
I decided it was time invite other people into this part of my life that I enjoy so much. So, I started a blog.
And this time I'm telling people about it.